Of course the first session is the hardest. The one that throws up unseen challenges, other people's insecurity, my past behaviours, my need too do the right thing to be right to be loved to be supported to be trusted even though I don't deserve a skerrick.

Watching myself trying to stay present. I. The room physically and mentally. One breath at s time. Hating myself my behaviour my past while trying to not to get too hung up on that lest it stop me from trying

The storm should have come sooner it would have diffused a lot.

I feel physically ill from that tiramisu. But that just matches my mental state. I like that they perversely line up now.

💜

Apparently I have a Centrelink appointment in two weeks labelled capacity assessment. I really hope this is part of the DSP process a d nothing on top or outside of that. Not a waste of time and telling my woes to a beurocrat for shits and giggles. Maybe I should ask beforehand but I don't have the spoons to stay on hold with them.over this.

Therapy is going to be fucking hard and I don't know if I can already.

I'm lost on day one.