Do you have the sense that you are searching for something? That perhaps there is a void you are trying to fill up and you are not sure what or why.
Before the events of 2020-2022 I started searching for something, I could not have told you what I was looking for, as I did not realise I was actively looking. I figured it out just recently with a fair amount of reflection on my part.
What intrigues me most about this is how obvious the problem is. Many have written, spoken or made documentaries about it. I have nodded my head in agreement but never saw this issue in myself. I was not looking to find it.
I'm going to start with this image of my shoes.
Here we have two brands Altra and Xero. Both are what are known as minimalist or zero drop shoes. They have an entirely flat base under the foot meaning their is no arch support, no raise in profile from the front to the back. They are intended to allow the foot to regain its natural strength and flexibility as if you had no shoes on at all. This has no bearing at all on the point of my story but the two brands are integral to it.
When I started running I had been inspired in part by a book called Finding Ultra and another called Born to Run. Finding Ultra is the personal story of a man looking for a path forward from a health scare and who pushes himself to physical endeavors beyond the average. Born to Run follows the author as he learns about a culture in the Copper Canyons of Mexico that run massive distances, often in bare feet or homemade sandals. Both of these resonated with me, I also had dealt with health problems that brought me to my knees wandering if I would ever be healthy again and my new interest in regaining health with running was taking off. I was intrigued by the idea of running barefoot but didn't think you could really do that safely in modern environments so I figured I would try minimalist footwear. I bought a pair of Xero Shoes first as they were the brand I found that had the least amount of cushion in the sole, basically none at all. But my feet were not ready for that and I found it uncomfortable on trails, so I kept looking and came across Altra that have much more cushioning, much closer to a regular running shoe in that regard but still without the arch support. These worked great and I quickly became a fan. Several pairs later and I was convinced these were the ones for me.
After a year or so I did however wander about the pair of Xero shoes that were sitting unused in my cupboard and decided to try them again. To my surprise they were much more comfortable than I recalled, in fact I began to prefer them over the Altra brand and within a short time switched completely over to them. Fast forward to September 2021 and the last Ultra Endurance Marathon I have completed. I was getting my gear ready and I was only going to bring several pairs of Xero shoes with me, but for some reason I threw a pair of Altra's in the bag also. This was the most difficult race I have attempted and after the first 50km my feet were quite sore, more so than normal and I was wandering if I would complete the second half. I chose to switch my shoes over to the Altras and was able to get around the course once more. It may seem a bit daft to you but I really did struggle with making that switch. Of all the challenges that race threw at me you might think it odd that what brand of runners to put on was actually the aspect of the race that stuck with me. Why did I hesitate and have to convince myself to not stick with Xero? Here is where I get to the point, "thank goodness for that" I hear you say!
Loyalty. A need to belong. Sticking with your tribe if you will.
Much of what I came to unpack in the year or so since that race is the belief that we are often missing a link to a tribe or community. A group of like minded people that we can share space, ideas and engage with. It seems to be a very important need within most people. As I wrote about in the article entitled Chesterton's Fence you can read that here : https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Plantwanderer/chestertons-fence
For me I had begun to wrap my identity in large part to that of being an Ultra Runner. Some of my tribe was found in the trail running group I occasionally attended, some were found at the various race events I entered. Ultra runners are a fairly small number of people compared to runners in other distances so its very common to keep meeting the same people at each event. I had become rather obsessed with the sport and followed YouTubers and Podcasts and read every book on the sport I could. The running shoes you opt to wear and why are a big part of Ultra Running culture and many will stick with a particular brand for years once they find the one they like. We may not realise it but we join another tribe within the larger one of running. When I made the choice to switch brands mid race it basically felt like I was cheating on Xero shoes, sounds ridiculous and it is, but all the same this is the situation I found myself in. I think this occurs when we put ourselves in a position of declaring to ourselves and perhaps others that we think XYZ is the way forward, in fact it is the only way forward. Our various tribes tend to reinforce those notions and beliefs and it gets harder to be with other tribes.
Imagine my surprise when I found out I was not in fact an Ultra Runner at all.......
I like a lot of others tracked my every movement with a GPS watch, be it running, hiking, walking didn't matter. If it was not tracked it didn't happen is a saying of sorts amongst those of us that like to compete, break personal records and basically get some kudos for a huge distance completed. At the end of the year Strava the app I was using sent me an email, take a look at your year in action (or something like that). I was a bit surprised when it informed my the activity I had the most distance in was Hiking. Not running, but hiking. Was my identity wrong, should I be thinking of myself as a Hiker then?
Another tribe I had become a part of and another large part of my identity was being Vegan. As of writing this it is just over five years since I took all animal foods off my plate. When I started that journey I did not think of myself as Vegan, I was still just me, I just ate differently now. Yet as I became more convinced in the benefits of this and as I read and watched more on the topic I started to align to an identity. First it was Plant Based, then as I became convinced I would stick with it I started looking into the ethics side of this and began using the term Vegan. But again I started to notice that I was limiting myself by so strongly linking me to a descriptive term that defined the rules by which I needed to live to meet that definition.
In both situations the identity part for a time did prove useful it helped to give me a sense of direction and purpose, it also helped to give me a community to be part of.
All the same I am convinced that aligning so closely to a label of sorts is limiting. It can cause you to close off to fresh ideas that do not align precisely to the tribe you are then in. Truth be told a sense of judgement will certainly sneak into our thinking as we begin to "otherrize" people from a different tribe.
I stopped running not long after the shoe switching incident, not because of that, simply because I didn't have an external factor driving me. I had no race signed up for, no distance or time goal I felt compelled to achieve. Am I no longer an Ultra Runner?
I have stopped thinking of myself as Vegan in its purest definition. I certainly use that term from time to time to help describe my general way of being, or to ask for a meal to be prepared without animal products at a restaurant etc. Am I no longer Vegan?
Existential crisis point.....then who am I?
I am still David, I never really went anywhere. I have been working harder at creating content like this, so maybe I should call myself a Writer now? I don't think so.
Instead I am looking to link my identity to just being myself, to become more comfortable with me. I do want community and I still enjoy time with like minded people to discuss ideas with. I also appreciate conversations with those whose ideas and beliefs run counter to my own. Yet I am less concerned with being thought of as anything in particular. Either in my own mind or by others. I have not found utopia, I am very much still wandering around in myself trying to sort life out. I am convinced however (but open to being wrong about this) that the less I worry about being a Vegan, a runner, a writer, the more I can belong to the bigger tribe of humanity with all its flaws and beauty. I confess I do have my biases I don't know that I will ever be free of them. What I try to do is be open to reviewing them, less concerned about having to defend them at all costs as if my life depends on it.
I breathe a little easier every time I lay down a definition and instead just live.
All the best.
David.