I think the photo gives my general feeling to how much I am comfortable revealing. My reasons for remaining anonymous are varied. Some stem way back to the past when I started writing erotic fan-fiction from my Archie comics way back in the early 90's. Other reasons developed over time while I explored my craft. The general theme for all my reasons is one of protection. This is a private love affair that I choose to reveal to the public. I give you what you crave while keeping just enough to remain comfortable. Is it fair? Of course it is and here are few reason why.
First and foremost, this is my labour of love. An escape from the traumas and trials of my everyday life where I have a chance to dance freely with my imagination. I'm a sex-enthusiast through and through. Am I great at sex? Who knows? That all comes down to my connection with person(s) involved. Much of my fiction is inspired by experience but an equal amount of my experience was also inspired by my fiction. Over the years I have just learned to embrace my sexuality and desires, letting them run free to collect a lifetime of memories and experiences that I can savour and reflect on during the finite number of trips we have around the sun. Remaining anonymous takes away the pressure to succeed and provide. I can write as much or as little as I like and I don't need to worry myself about what my friends, family, past or future partners are feeling about it. The craft is mine. I merely offer the spoils of it.
Secondly is for my own security. Many years ago I was writing quite frequently on Literotica and other platforms. I formed a close bond with an amazing writer. For the sake of this blog, let's call her Emily. She was an amazing inspiration for me. Teacher by day, smut writer extraordinaire by night. We could lay awake for hours on end and come up with beautiful pieces to post and share. She was signed by an agent and subsequently released several books under her pen name. Her craft had allowed her to generate some extra income that she could spend on her teaching career while treating herself to some travelling and she couldn't have been more thrilled. She got so good, that she was offered a table at a popular sex convention where she could sign and sell her collection of paperbacks. Emily was so incredibly humbled by the offer but was also hesitant. She would be out in the open, baring her soul. After a few long chats over wine, discussing the possibilities, she decided to take the plunge and accept the offer. She ended up signing and selling dozens upon dozens of books and connected with so many new and past readers. The both of us were extremely thrilled and I was incredibly proud.
This all came crashing down when Emily returned to school. She was called in to meet the board who said there were complaints from the Parents' Committee. As it turns out, one of her readers was also the parent of a child in the school where she worked. The scandalous affair of knowing there was a teacher with a secret life of smut writing within their hallowed walls was too intriguing for her to keep secret. Word spread around rapidly and the gaggle of Karens turned into a vicious mob. "She shouldn't be teaching OUR children!" As it was a private school, they could fire her instantly to protect the name of the school. It was an ugly battle of ethics, morals and legal loopholes. Lawyers got involved and sadly, Emily just shut down and gave up. The sideways glances from teachers, parents, and students became too much for her and she left the school in shame. Not only did she stop writing, she also stopped teaching. The trauma behind everything was too much for her. She had become ashamed of her own craft. She altered her path and left all that she loved behind because it hurt too much to continue.
I stopped writing at the same time she did. The fear of knowing everything could come crashing down merely because the wrong person found my work was overwhelming. Writing was a hobby and I lost my mojo that day wondering if it would ever come back. The sad part was that it took about 14 years. Even if I had been braver and pushed myself to write my heart out, I could not in good conscience leave Emily in tatters on the side of the road. I resorted to keeping notepads full of micro-moments without context whenever lightning struck. At the time, there was no thought behind it other than allowing my mind to release the thoughts from my head. I am forever thankful that I had chosen to keep doing that as it gave me a work shed full of material to inspire myself when I decided to pick it back up again.
The other primary reason for my anonymity is freedom. Freedom from expectations, deadlines, bias, judgement, and all of the other toxic side effects of being on display. I've had people call it cowardly and I've heard people call it wise. Either way, it's my choice because it's my life. I believe to a certain degree that there is a line between an artist and their art. My books are fiction, and if they have any connection to reality, then the people involved are aware of it and have given me their blessing. I don't need my colleagues or coworkers to know that I spent the wee hours of the night sipping on wine and writing a hot tale about pegging. It doesn't need to affect my life in any way. I don't need someone to assume I desire all anal, all the time, merely because I wrote about it in a story. There seems to be a morbid desire for people to label others. To put them in a box and make them easy to identify. I totally understand it because we have an evolutionary trait of pattern recognition. Patterns warn us, and patterns keep us safe. The more we box things up and label them, the safer we feel. My anonymity saves me from those labels. Much like the photo above, I give my readers everything to make them happy while keeping just enough to keep me safe. Make no mistake, when it comes to blogs, opinions, or even interactions on Social Media, everyone gets 100% Unfiltered Me. Those are my thoughts and feelings that I have developed over the years. I believe life is nothing but a cycle of learning and unlearning. A welcome embrace to being wrong because it's impossible to know everything about everything.
When I look at the world around me, I see people clinging to their side of the spectrum, whatever the topic, and screaming at the other side while shaking their fists. I often wonder if we have truly forgotten the fact that there is a whole range between those two points. I am happily floating in the middle, exploring my own mind through experimentation and reflection. I don't lean heavily to either side because they are often both wrong. Remaining anonymous allows me to explore that gray area, open-minded, with relative ease. It has allowed me to explore my sexuality, my gender identity and even my kinks while allowing me to connect with readers and writers all over the world.
For those select few that do know what lays behind my curtain, you have one of the most sacred spaces in my heart. You truly have all of me because I have chosen to trust you with nearly everything and you have, in some way, changed my life for the better. I wouldn't be where I am without that select group of people that I call my family. You are my family whether we share blood or not. We are family because we accept each other's flaws while we celebrate each other's strengths. We don't judge each other based on our labels and boxes. We enhance each other through the power of diversity and learning. We share, we love, we grow. If I had but one wish for the world it would be to adopt this mentality globally. Imagine the things we could accomplish if we focused on finding ways to build each other up versus searching for ways to tear each other down. Maybe I have hit a moment of clarity, maybe I have merely finished my beer. Either way, I somehow know in my heart that there is a message hiding in this blurb of text. Care to ponder this with me?