I have a little funk in my flow right now and it has left me feeling a little flat. There always seems to be so much to think about, so much so it becomes exhausting.
I took myself outside of the craziness to meditate for a minute and this is what came through.
Of course it is exhausting to try and find what you are all the time, that is the consequence of coming from source, through the fog of forgetfulness and born in to an environment that essentially manipulates your every thought and action in the hope to prove your worth.
Truth is, none of us have to prove anything, we are born worthy we are just born in to a world that has told us differently.
I am in contemplation mode where I am looking at where I am not happy, why every day seems energetically exhausting. I think this is part of the process of awakening. The truth we are awakening too is that we are enough that is it and that is all. We can't be anything other than what we are and trying to be zaps our life force.
So where does that realisation leave us, where are we stuck, where are we hiding from ourselves?
Well in my quest to change my life, I fall further and further down the rabbit hole. I think about what I want then I tell myself why I can't have it. Are they genuine reasons? I don't know. I know that I feel as a mother to children with different Dad's and a step mum to children that lost their Mum to sepsis that I feel responsible for them and their happiness and to pursue my happiness seems selfish and secondary.
I am asking myself is this is true. If I have to sacrifice my time here for them, is that my role as a Mother? I have always told my children their only responsibility in life is to be them authentically and to pursue a life less ordinary, yet I feel I live a fairly run of the mill ordinary life. I thought about it and thought, if I only had 10 years left and I lived it this way how would I feel with all those adventures left behind, do I want this for myself, do they want this for me?
I believe love is freedom not control, am I trying to control too much? Potentially I am, I have suffered sadness and I don't want my children to experience it, so I am left in a contemplative quandary. I know my dream has never been the big house and status oriented, it is around freedom, freedom from control, yet I stay stuck in systems that drain you.
What is my role as Mother here? Is it to have trust and faith in following what feels good will feel good for them, and even if it doesn't that is part of their journey too?
This is my current dilemma and thinking in the year to change my life. I feel grateful that I am living with attention and intention, my book is becoming and is helping me as I write it this is definitely part of my dharma here, I know this for certain. To be the best Mum I can be is also a big part of my time here too. I guess my question here I need to answer is what is being the best Mum I can be? Is it setting them to enter the same systems of control and entrapment that we are all encouraged to do from birth to live in safety, security, conformity where we all do the same things and then sleep and repeat again?
I think it is clear our current systems are breaking they are not working, I include the health system, the school system, the monetary system, the system of being reliant on big corporations for power, fuel and water. So for me to stay in it and not teach them anything different how would that make me a good Mum?
As I write this I can hear a voice screaming to me 'NO' don't prime them for the same honey trap, live differently, live less ordinary. But how? This is the obstacle that holds many of us back from pursuing what is a life of freedom but people are doing it so it is possible, my unknown is the how that looks for us as a unit?
Through this year where I have been present in my journey of every stage of it, the thing that keeps coming back is 'CONTROL' I need to let go of control, of looking before I leap and having faith and trusting the process. It seems both risky and essential.
I would be interested in what you think. What would you do? Risk it all to live or play safe to live a little?
How would I do this?
The two options I see in front of me are
Option 1: Rent the house out, take the caravan and tour the UK to experience what it is to be alive in a different way?
or
Option 2: Use the home we have with an incredible garden to turn it in so a self sustainable home, even if not in the house but to utilise the garden and the building we have started back, to collect use and filter our own water to use different methods to produce energy to grow our own food (I have started this)
What would the freedom in you do?
It is not an option for me to stay in a society I don't want to fit in to that is becoming harder to stay in every day anyway.
I believe the world is magical and being here is a gift, but we are not using or connecting with the magic all around us purely because either we don't still believe it exists or we just don't know how?
This is where I am at today, this is a thought that continually comes back to me, to my husband.
I hear to often in my head and from others, I am tired of living this way, it feels like I wake up every day but to sleep walk through it. Relationships suffer due to our constant working demands just to make ends meet. Health suffers, while we eat nutrient depleted toxic laden foods and heart disease is our biggest killer, as we deny our hearts calling to just be every waking moment and live instead to the agenda of the corporations and institutions that do not educate us but shatter and scatter our minds with their confusion, misinformation and mass manipulation. It is all broken, we have been separate from our own spirits for so long we have all but given up hope for something different, something natural, something spiritual, something that lights us up in a system that is designed to dumb down the parts of us that knows there is more to us than meets the eye.
I want to experience life on earth not life at work. I can't do the pay bills, retire and die thing, why would any of us want to if there was another way. There is always another way we just have been blinded by lies that keep us small and feeling the lie of unworthiness.
This isn't a new pondering for me I have felt it for years now. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is terrifying as is not doing anything.
I guess I chose the one that scares me least, I am more disturbed by the pay bills and die thing than try, all I have to lose is time and we are all losing that anyway.
Hmm watch this space, on my podcast I share my highlights and realisations on my journey on this platform I am going to pour out every ounce of my heart and soul and thinking on this journey.
If you want to hear more about the very real highs and lows of moving forward and doing my best to ditch my trauma and troubles I have accumulated along the way then you are welcome to become a member £5 a month gets you all areas access to what it is to change your life.
I will always write regardless but if any of my journaling here helps you move to your next level then that is an added bonus for us all
Remember you are not lost you are separated from your truth, wake up to who that is and be it , do it, speak it and love it.
You are born worthy, You are born magical, You are limitless possibility encapsulated in human form, start playing the game of life with your wishes at the centre of it that is what our free will is for
Much Love
Rebecca McQueen-O'Neill
Coach & Writer
One woman waking up in the dream