Picture it.
Early 1990's.
A young woman has just returned from Barnes and Noble, having bought her first Spiritual/New Age book - M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled. She read over half of the book that first night (this was before she had a child and took for granted the luxury of uninterrupted time). One thing in particular stood out to her - the toxicity of rugged individualism. This notion that you get yours I'll get mine where we compete for everything, survival of the fittest until the very end.
How had she not seen this before? Of course! THAT is why she had felt so off about the world for so many years - why seeing a homeless person would send her into hours of reflection and emotional torment, asking "why" over and over, delivering food to the small family that hung out on the streets where she used to work. This was back in the day when seeing a homeless person was a rarity instead of the normality it is today.
Why doesn't anyone do something about this, she asked, putting the book down.
Hmmm. Maybe I can, she thought.
Flash forward to today. The ME today. Reflecting on my life. Seeing, witnessing, experiencing this reality firsthand as it has grown more chaotic, more toxic, more individualistic. This world has kicked my arse over and over again. Forced out of jobs due to downsizing. Being denied access to newspapers and other creative writing outlets, which is where my gifts are. And denied access to the world of social work, which is where my passion always has been - helping people. I remember being on the phone with an agency who wouldn't consider me because I didn't have a master's (bachelor's here). I didn't want to be a licensed social worker - I just wanted to work at the agency. Answer phones. That sort of thing. I persisted: "Look, I'll even empty your wastebaskets if I have to, answer phones, whatever it takes I just want the chance to show you how much I care about helping people," I pleaded. Nope.
Years later, I had the eye-opening experience from someone IN the field who told me I was too passionate, that I was a system-buster. I wanted to change the system and the system did not want to change (well the people running the main shows that is). I was shocked. Why on earth don't the people want a new system that really helps people - especially if the system needs to be changed?
She said, "You want in? Tone it down. Get in. Then do what you're told and don't make waves or try and change things because they will run you out." That was enough for me as that was not who I was. At all. So over the years I tried this. Tried that. My resume is as colorful as a 5-year-old's finger painting.
All along, I held onto my ideals and found ways to share them in written form. Blogs. Letter's to the Editor. That idealistic nature kept me going, sharing my thoughts and ideas about everyone having a home to live in, food to eat, and access to REAL healing modalities - regardless of what's in your bank account or wallet. I was forced to accept that such a notion is not well-received in this reality of pay-to-live for it threatens the very system(s) in place. And most everyone already "in place" inside that system don't have the desire to change it. They want to just go to work, do their job, collect their paycheck and go home at the end of the day.
Probably praying their health holds out so they can do that until retirement age. And if the matrix does strike back, unless you have a strong supportive family and good friends who truly have your back, or a good portfolio and some solid assets, if you fall on such a hard time, you are SOL if you fall down and don't have anyone able to help pick you back up because the very social service system is not designed to do that even though they claim to. The system helps just enough to keep you dog paddling. You can only do that so long too. Anyone think otherwise, look at the homeless epidemic we have. The system failed every one of these people.
And the rest of humanity - especially those who are thriving - have done the same.
Rugged Individualism.
I've been told "that's how it is here" to which I ask "does it have to be though?"
I've been told "I'll be there for you" only to have the opposite experience.
Me. Someone like me - who will drop what I'm doing to take that phone call from a friend in need. Who keeps her word (and will own it when I fail/when it's pointed out to me).
I will listen to someone's plea for help and will put it out there and keep at it until they have that cry for help answered.
THAT IS WHO I AM.
And I once thought that's how everyone is.
But the truth is - it isn't.
Most people aren't in fact. Look at the world and tell me otherwise.
Good intentions don't mean a thing if not backed up with action.
I look around me and this is what I see in my own little world. I see people buying new Tesla's. I see people talk about how the prices of homes have gone up so high, it's created a limited supply which means good news for homeowners looking to sell: you can name your price.
Good on ya. So happy you were able to get in in the first place.
Don't ANY of these people who have been afforded so much abundance ever stop and wonder what they can do to help out others? I have people in my own reality who are doing so. very. well. Think any of them have offered to help me much less my child with the basics?
Nope. Hence the phrase unless you have a solid family who truly has your back, if you aren't as "rugged" as the masses, you have to somehow find a way to pull yourself up on your own - even if it means that some days you are metaphorically crawling.
And there's only so much crawling a person can do.
You see, decades of stored trauma, undiagnosed, plus making a couple of royally bad choices have taken a toll. As such, I am not like the normal wake up go to work 8-10 hours come home go to sleep and repeat for the next 4 days. I. am. not. able. to. do. that. right. now. I can fake it when I need to - that public persona - but behind closed doors, sometimes I shake with fear, cry in the shower and can get overwhelmed when I hear someone call out to me "there's a spider can you please come kill it!"
But hey - I'm still a Bright Light - well maybe not so bright now - but there's something good still left within me - and tonight I was reminded how blessed I still am - how I can still find it in me to find some gratitude when everything else within me is cursing this horrid pay to live system, wanting nothing more than something new and to be healed from the pain inside. I arrived at a local store, pulled up next to a van. I glanced over and saw an older couple, probably in their 70's. The van was, well, messy. The dashboard had all sorts of stuff on it - very disorganized - as though they just throw stuff on it. It was quite filthy too. And upon further glancing, I could see it looked like they had their worldly possessions inside that van. It made my heart sink a bit. Jesus, not another person living out of their car.
However, tonight, what disturbed me the most though was my lack of reaction. The apathy I felt. I'm becoming like the rest of humanity. Numb to this problem. Numb to the consequences of rugged individualism. Only my lifestyle is one of those that is just that one paycheck away from being like that couple.
And that............I just can't. So I won't. And I will instead focus on the part of me that felt something truly human when seeing this couple, praying for what I want to create and experience, praying for my healing so that someday I may actually make a real difference in this place called Earth.
Love,
Victoria