The new series documenting my absolute s ...

The new series documenting my absolute struggle

Feb 21, 2022

I am in a constant state of conflict lately. On the one hand, I want so badly to deeply dive into the arts and performance and all the creative modes of self expression I possibly can. i want to explore the outer edges of my boundaries and push the definitions of what makes art "ART". and I want to full immerse myself in project after project.

On the other hand, I want to never hear the word art in the same sentence as my name ever again.

I am tired.

I know that when I am promoting this site or promoting my projects I put all the buzzwords in that are expected. I use enthusiastic punctuation. I make it seem like I know exactly what's coming and that you will want to be a part of it. I pay close attention to the words that will boost my analytics and SEO. I do my due diligence to make sure everyone is curious and everyone else in confident.

But here is the truth: I am not confident, I am not excited and happy. I am tired. I am angry. And any amount of confidence I build up in myself is quickly sapped from my system because I am in an industry who thinks they can build an artist out of countless rejections. This is exhausting, especially for a neuro-diverse individual such as myself that- despite her best efforts- is particularly sensitive about everything, but especially rejection.

I want to be bubbly sometimes. I want to be the one you want to see at a party. I want to be wanted, desirable, confident and proud of myself and the people i work for. I want to be happy in my industry. I want the work not to feel like work but to feel a calling. All of those things sound like a dream But that is all they are. Instead I am angry. I am angry. I am angry. have you noticed how much I have said that yet? I am so angry. I have no words, no articulate ideas that I cam draft and parse into profound prose. but if I can do anything, I can rant. And I can be honest and transparent about where I am at. So I am starting a vlog. The link is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6D8_G1etWI&t=4s

This will be your weekly update and weekly insight into what is happening to me, what I am thinking, what I am feeling, and yes- yes I will be cursing.

I am struggling. I am mad. and I am done.

And yet...something still lingers.

If only I knew what to do about it.

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