Nov 19, 2021
3 mins read
It's not even really rage right now but we're finishing off rage week here so the title stays.
Honestly this has all been about me being at my lowest point in awhile when it comes to figuring out my future. I'm mad about all these things because the world seems to be hellbent on being the worst possible version of itself. I do wellness checks because I keep thinking if maybe enough people can feel good about themselves they'll be nicer to each other and the world will stop sucking. But it's like throwing water out of a sinking boat with a tea spoon. There are creeps and assholes everywhere. Some days I'm an asshole too as much as I don't like that part of me.
When I got involved with the writing community on twitter seriously back at the end of march and start of April I saw all these beautiful talented people who were being shitty to themselves. I didn't like that because I wanted to be able to show that someone cared about what they were doing and how they deserved to feel good about themselves.
Since then I don't know if any of it makes a difference. Some days it seems I get more responses to these then others. Honestly I feel they've become repetitive and a be preachy and no longer serving their original intent. I honestly don't feel as creative the past two months as I had been and I've been in this constant whirlwind where a lot of people I thought I had been making connections with have left the community or getting on with their own things. Which is fine, people move on and grow and that's what they need. But for me I don't feel that connection anymore. I feel outside of it all and I know people say "come talk to me if you need" and it's appreciated but honestly I don't know what to talk about. Also honestly I am tired of reaching out to be people first. This isn't anyone in particular but I feel like if I don't make the effort then most people don't care if I talk to them or not after a week or two. It's okay I'm sure nobody else likes to have to initiate conversation first either so this is just me putting that feeling into words.
So I think I'm going to be shutting down for awhile on daily twitter interactions. I think I need to focus back on the thing that made me start all of this in the first place: My writing. I don't know if it's good writing. I get some positive feedback here and there but the more I write and the more feedback I get the more it's clear to me at least that I'm not getting the themes and ideas across to people that I want. The only way I'm going to accomplish those goals is by writing more and refining and growing as a writer, not as a social safety net.
I took this week to vent about some things but are bothering me and I barely scrapped the surface. I had a lot of ideas of what I wanted to write today and honestly it all just seemed petty. This still feels petty and selfish but it's what I need to get off my mind. For whatever that means.
Stay hydrated, keep dreaming.