The Ego - an addiction

Hello!

As I continue to evolve, I have bee questioning "The Ego" and my ego. 

I am not an Egoic person, so I never resonated with the phrase "you have such a big ego."  And yet, I continue to encounter these "problems" of self sabotage, and all of the sudden recognizing that I just un-did what I had been work on for a long time.  And I watch it in everyone else too!  But for the sake of respecting other people's privacy I will only use myself or an un-named person as the example.

None of us are exempt ;)

The Ego is so interesting.  It ultimately serves as our preferences, what we like and don't like, it is the earth suit identity for our higher self.  And somewhere along the way The Ego took over, I believe as a survival coping mechanism, weather our actual life was really threatened or not.  For a long time The Ego running the show really served us, it helped us to define who we are, to establish our sense of self.  And then it just became out of control, but because it was running the show, it became very hard to pin point and identify.

Now I witness A LOT of people operating from The Ego, often in hurtful ways, and if confronted they just get more offensive or defensive.  I call this offensive behavior as a means of self preservation being attacky.  They are "attacking you back"  because in some way you hurt them first.

Other ways The Ego shows up (for all of us) is:
Always being right, See I told you so, knowing more than others, needing to correct others
Defending, or pointing out how you are "better than,,," in any way, to the persons face or not
Comparing, in any way
Planning too much, this will usually show up eventually as exhaustion (I know this one well)
Feeling threatened, judged or judging
Pointing out how you are pious, a truly pious person never needs to tell anyone, or confirmation of how they are pious.
Identifiers or labels, needing to fix other people's problems
Any addiction of any sort... The list is endless  
I think I have been all of these at some point in my life, and many overlapping...

My most recent recognition of how my ego was running the show, and acting in self preservation no matter what detriment it caused to me - was sleeping horrible for weeks.

I have been sleeping awful for several weeks.  Feeling very frustrated and powerless, because I need sleep to heal and feel happy, and be productive.  My energy was completely out of whack because of this.  I was trying all of my tricks that I would do to help myself sleep, and for some reason none of it was working.  

I complained to my coach that the "minute I would lay down my ego would take over and start stressing out for me, even though consciously I knew I did everything I was able to that day."  Feeling deep frustration and rage towards this part of me that felt like it was trying to kill the whole human self of me.

Then last night I put on some positive music with affirmations to help me relax before trying to go to bed and it said:
"Sleep is extremely important because this is the time that the subconscious has to really up level and integrate all of the hard work you have been doing to make yourself better."

And I realized: "Oh my god! My Ego is fighting all of the hard work I am doing, because it doesn't want to die, and I am doing such a good job that the only tool it has to to prevent integration is at night!"

I was thrilled to recognize this,  The awful sleep of the past few weeks was my ego terrified of dying, and doing everything it could for self preservation.  This recognition allowed for instant compassion towards myself.  I don't completely understand yet why The Ego needs to attach death to changing, and I also don't understand why The Ego sees itself as separate from the rest of the human self, but this helps me in being more gentle with myself, and it also helps me to be more understanding of how hard it is for others to change.  While I continue to tell my ego that its not going away, I want it to stay, but that its role in my life is changing, there is still resistance, even for me. 

How does The Ego bulldoze you and what you are wanting in your life? 

How has The Ego convinced you that "that thing" is who you are?  

You are not what you know, you are not any of the things that you identify with, you are not any of the labels good or bad that you think you are.  You are not any of your patterns.  You are not any of your consuming emotions.

You are beautiful, you are love, you are light, you are needed, and you are forever evolving.

The Ego has taken a strong hold of all of us, we can see how this is being played out in society as well.  Its time for us to lovingly put The Ego back in its place.  This does take a lot of work, but you can do it, just as I will keep at it.

The ego in its healthy state tells you what you like and don't like, but there is no attachment, there is no "I will die if I don't do that, have that, be that..."

I encourage you to take some time to notice how The Ego is showing up in your life.  How does The Ego help you?  How does The Ego get in the way of what you are wanting to create in your life?

Sending Love,
Jessica