i learnt that in taiwan when spring arrives there follows a sudden brief detour back to wintertime, except this time accompanied by the rain that the new season promises, almost like the two have merged temporarily out of confusion, that cold still doesnt yet want to let, or that spring is still learning to emerge again, like a child learning to walk proper. it feels very much a reflection of change, of how we feel we are ready and are on the path to a new part of our lives only to be periodically afflicted and pulled back by memories of the past. makes me think if we can ever be ready, or if the past is ever past, and instead just transmuted into something else in the present.
yesterday i was having my first meal and watching a television programme about a family of single mother and three daughters living in a big cluttered house in the UK who have been selected to be part of a week-long home refurbishing design. a team dedicated to helping them removed every non-furniture object from the house and placed it all, neatly sorted into categories, in a black box space where the family then has to decide what to keep and what to throw. shoes, toiletries, makeup, toys, an old wedding dress, notebooks, memories. one of the teenagers said she wanted to get rid of the toys of when she was still a child because to keep them around meant she wasnt ready to part with them, meant she was still resisting growing up, meant she wanted to remain a child, like the objects were holding her back, the objects in our environment a physical realisation of our inner world. at the end the house became clean and organised, very much like a modern suburban house with white walls and colourful furniture, but also almost too like every other suburban house, or an ikea store. i didnt much enjoy the final result, though i appreciated the labour, because it felt too clean, too history-less, fake, even. i cant enjoy too new or clean. i like some lived-in. i think it is because i have learnt that there is never a new blank slate, having come to taiwan for half a year now, with all the objects that i have preserved in my two and a half decades worth of living, and witnessing that i have had made connections already here, with the people and the environments, that i will always carry with me inside wherever i go, i know for myself what i am amalgamated of. does this mean i want to remain a child, refusing grownup realities?
march has been volleying between taichung and tainan, living between yipeng's house and my studio. these few days we begin tearing down and documenting our almost two-month-long exhibition. its funny that it seems almost the weather had not changed. when we were readying the exhibition we were accompanied by rain and cold, and while in between the sun peeked and beamed for us, now we work again accompanied by rain and cold. it is almost as if the sky is telling us there is enough water in taichung, dont bring any more water from taipei or tainan. we pour the waters away, and work to return the gallery to what it once was.
this is a new video i made to document the end of our exhibition 台中的水:
水 am also reserving a reservoir
i was talking to a friend in school about the idea of organising, in relation to our upcoming group exhibition at the end of the year. i pop over to his studio often, which has become a sort of communal area for the classmates in my year, where we cook and hang out or do meetings. sometimes i go there just to have a smoke with him. we dont talk too much probably because we both dont really like to talk, or think we dont talk well, or think there isnt really much to say? sometimes when im there i like to move objects around, of books, stationary, small ornaments, package boxes, etc, create new compositions, new relationships. he cleans and organises the space frequently because people bring and leave things. groceries come along with their packaging trash, snacks and their wrappers, dirt on shoes, smoke leaves ash, dust sits, etc. we rearrange, organise, or we try to, because the world at large is an entire mess. we organise our personal space because at least that is something we can control, at least there are these personal objects we can move about and know where we want to keep them and where they are. understandably! since our emotions, our inner thoughts, are so prone to their ups and downs and spins whenever! and, then, anything can happen: a new respiratory virus, an earthquake, losing a loved one. it is a sisyphean task, to organise in a world that naturally tends to chaos. but so it is to continue living, to actively or passively choose against death, which is the easiest path, we live in order to keep living, we organise only to keep organising. maintenance. but perhaps this is just the way life is, that it naturally welcomes chaos, and we can only try to make sense of it in our own way, to organise a manifestation of that understanding.
april feels like organising. which i originally thought was incompatible with the powerful motivation of the aries force coming through, ready to charge ahead. i thought it would be a waste to use all the creative energy to sort my life. but it would probably be a waste to not use all this energy to sort, because there is so much to sort! and i am only in the initials of a very full year, my fullest year if ever, professionally. i have a couple more situations this year where i have the opportunity to present myself and my work to the public, so all the more i have to keep myself accountable. three areas i want to organise are:
my work. i want to properly archive the work i have been doing the past half a year, which also means renewing my website, refresh myself, check if all that is there still appropriately coincides with and reflects who i am now. and then there are the work appointments, meetings, submission deadlines, exhibitions to prepare for, etc.
my relationships. who i want to keep in contact with more. who i want to say goodbye to. which of these i want to transform to a different shape. who do i want to meet now, who do i want to meet in the future. how can i communicate better.
my studies. its my second semester, which stretches from march to end june. but this time because i have a big-ish event to attend to, i will be away in june. this means i have essentially two months left of this semester. and i have to produce 3 new works, which im mostly excited about even if time is stretching thin.
speaking of time! i forget how quickly we grow old. or we are never really aware when we are young! i will be 28 in a week and i already envy the young, or the young early twenties that i was. so formidable, so unafraid, so handsome! even if insecure. it definitely feels like there seems so much more at stake the more we become experienced in the world even as our confidence grows, and sometimes we also lose the simple joys that come with our naivete. i suspect there is more to lament about growing up but i am glad at least i am still allowing myself to play, to trust my intuition, still allow myself to learn and relearn how to hold space, how to say no to holding space, how to be firm and kind in refuse, how to recharge myself, and how to make art! i wish for you a childish willingness to try in aries season, and to harness the energy that is everyones favourite sign. here is a spotify playlist i made to commemorate the aries force coming through: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3l3pVVz9Xe4h3LSePBu6en?si=oaka0k-0Q7S0gulBNAtRgg
我學到了在台灣的春天來臨時天氣會突然暫時斷斷續續的回到冬天。但更糟的是這個天氣包括冬天的冷和春天的雨水，就像這兩個不小心混淆了在一起，那個冷還不想走，或是春天還正複習怎麼再次展現自己，像正在學習怎麼走路的小孩。我覺得這跟「改變」的特徵一樣，像當我們覺得自己準備好開始走向新步道時還是會時時刻刻被之前的回憶刺到。我在想我們能不能有準備好的時刻，在想過去是不是有辦法真的過去或它只是被轉變了成現在的這個樣子。
昨天在吃第一餐時一邊看英國修整住家的一個節目，有關一個單親媽媽和三女兒住在一個雜亂的住家裡。他們被選種邀請一個小團隊幫助他們整理翻新舊家。那個團隊把家裡所有不是家具的物件搬到一個很大的黑盒子空間，把物件歸類，讓母女選擇要留下什麼要丟什麼。鞋子，浴室用品，化妝品，玩具，舊婚紗，筆記本，記憶。一位青少年說她想把小時候的玩具丟掉因為把它們留著代表她還沒準備遺棄它們，也代表她在抗拒長大，想繼續當小孩，就像那些物件在阻止她。我們環境裡的物件是我們心裡的現實表現。最終的房子被整理的很乾淨也很整齊，像歐美郊區裡的現代房子，白牆搭配多彩的傢俱，但又有點太像那種房子，或宜家ikea。雖然我欣賞那些勞力，但我本身沒有很喜歡結果，因為那感覺太潔淨，太沒歷史，甚至有點假。我好像不能好好享受太新或潔淨的。我喜歡被看起來有被住過的地方。我想這是因為我學到了其實沒有真正的“白板”。來到台灣已經半年了的我，帶著我人生中這二十多年保留珍惜的物件，又親眼感受到在這裡已經所有跟人跟環境的緣分，這都會跟著我走到哪去到哪，我知道我自己是什麼融合出來的。這是不是代表我想繼續當小孩，不想要承擔大人的現實？
三月的我在台中奕芃的家和台南學校的工作時跑來跑去。這幾天我們開始拆展開始紀錄我們這兩個月的合作展覽。好笑的是天氣好像根本沒變過。布展時是冷是雨水，顧展是有小太陽為我們照亮著，而拆展時又是冷和雨水。這好像天在跟我們暗示台中的水夠了，不用再衝台北或台南取水來。我們把全部的水倒掉，努力的把藝廊打回原形。
這是我為了紀錄台中的水做的影片:
水 am also reserving a reservoir
某天在學校跟一個朋友聊到整理的概念，跟我們下半年要辦的聯展有關。我經常去他的工作室。那裡被整理的像聚會的地方，同學一起煮飯吃飯聊天開會。有時候會過去跟他抽煙。我們其實沒有很常聊天，可能是因為我們兩人都沒有很喜歡聊天，或覺得自己沒有很健談，或是也不知道有什麼需要說的？去那邊時喜歡把物件移來移去，那些書本，文具，小零件，紙箱，等，製造新的構圖，新的關係。他會經常打掃整理空間因為有人來就會留東西。買菜的包裝，零食和包裝，鞋子上的髒東西，煙灰，灰塵，等。我們整理因為外面的世界是亂的。我們整理自己的空間因為至少那是我們可控制的，至少這些個人物件是我們可以移來移去的，知道要放哪裡的。這是能理解的，因為我們那些複雜的情緒和私密的想法是會被外界影響變動的！再加上，隨時都有可能有事：疫情，地震，失去親人。整理是一種西西弗斯的行為，因為這個世界就是會偏向混沌而去。但繼續生存也是這樣，主動或被動的選著對抗死亡，那最容易的一條路，我們生存是為了繼續生存，我們整理也只是為了可以繼續整理。維修。可能人生就設這樣吧，它本來就是會歡迎混沌混亂，而我們也只能儘量去了解它，整理出自己的理解。
四月感覺就是要整理。我本來想說不要浪費那強烈向前衝的牡羊力量來整理。但不使用這個能量來整理才是浪費吧，也因為真的有很多要整理。我才剛開始一個很豐滿的一年，最豐滿的一年，在“事業”上。今年我還有好幾次有機會為公眾表現自己，所以我必須好好整理自己。三個想整理的方位有：
工作。我想要好好整理和紀錄我這半年所做的。就是更新網站，檢討一下那裡的設計和內容是不是還跟我合適相當。還有一些工作上的會議，投件期限，要準備的展覽，等。
感情。我想跟誰多接觸。有誰我想告別。我想要把那些目前的關係轉換成更成熟更妥當的樣子。我現在想見誰，我以後想見誰。我要怎麼更好的溝通。
課業。這三月到六月尾是我第二學期。但因為我有一個計畫所以六月不能好好上課。實際的這學期我只有兩個月剩。我需要做出三樣新作品。雖然時間有點緊繃，但我還是滿期待的。
說到時間！我忘了我們那麼快就老了。或我們其實沒有真正意識到我們年輕的時候。在一週內我就28歲了，而我已經開始羨慕年輕人，或那20歲出頭年輕的我。那麼強，那麼不怕，那麼帥！即便有些的沒安全感。我的確感覺到我們在累積經驗的途中會覺得就是會失去更多，即便我們更有信心，而有時候也會失去那單純的喜樂。我懷疑我還可以抱怨不少成長的過程，但至少我有允許自己玩耍，相信自己的直覺，繼續讓自己學習再學習怎麼好好陪伴，怎麼好好拒絕陪伴，怎麼又堅持又善良的拒絕，怎麼充實自己，怎麼創作！我祝你一個小孩子氣的忍性和動力去在牡羊季節時嘗試，利用大家最喜歡的星座。為了牡羊座的能量我準備了一個spotify歌單：
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3l3pVVz9Xe4h3LSePBu6en?si=oaka0k-0Q7S0gulBNAtRgg