It was a scene from Forest Gump, slow summer eve in South Carolina, Spanish moss dancing in the ocean breeze. Only today my daughter and I would have social normals and our boundaries pushed.
By a sweet 80-year-old man.
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My daughter and I were at a local park speaking with a group of elderly friends, whom my daughter has come to call the AGPS. (Adopted Grandparents Squad). They’re a pretty extraordinary group of 80 somethings who have lived in this sleepy South Carolina town since before it had street lights. We’ve known them for about 3 years now and they’re awesome.
During this particular adventure, my little lady was playing with one of the community dogs and while she played we got to talking. One of the members had a friend in town who was one of those people that you just kind of get the “ehhhh I’m not too sure” vibes from. Seemed harmless enough but while I always give people the benefit of the doubt I don’t ignore the belly jellies either.
As the evening went on I noticed my little lady was getting hungry so we threw out the 5-minute warning bell before we jumped on our bike to head home. Typically this means giving out some friendly goodbyes and the “secret handshake” she has with one of her friends. We moved our way through the group of local friends, high five, and see you soon until we came up to this new gentleman, who I’d known for all of 20 minutes.
As my daughter finished up goodbyes with her group of peeps, we started to walk towards the bike when it happened. This older man came walking across the park, knelt down next to my daughter, and said;
“how about a big hug for me?”
My Daddy senses tingled, when I looked down they were confirmed by the look in my tiny human's eyes. She almost looked like she was about to cry, I watched to step back, her shoulders roll in, and she grabbed my hand.
Photo by What Most Men Don’t See and Never Feel
I’ll be the first to admit that seeing isn’t knowing and knowing isn’t understanding. This truth hit me like a 2x4 out of nowhere when I became a father to a daughter.
The world is flawed, however, there is an unmistakable hierarchy that we have in society that now more than ever we are becoming collectively aware of and more importantly talking about, acting upon, and making healthy changes.
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Now let's be straightforward, if you don’t believe that there are gender biases in the world, I would ask you to show me the data or equality and we can go from there because if you make an attempt to prove that concept you’ll be quickly corrected with statistical evidence of the contrary.
2020 was many things and enlightening as to these social inequalities was definitely one, however, this isn’t a conversation about social inequity. This a conversation about hugs.
When I become a Dad to a daughter a veil was pierced and not in a great way if I’m being honest. I started seeing a world that demoralized women, fragrance commercials that objectified them, and honestly, the list doesn’t end. In seeing this nearly terrifying world I realized 2 things.
I would not cripple my daughter with unconscious limitation creation. Limitations are learned and just about every neuro-psychologist would agree.
Don’t ask for an easier life, ask for strength. As someone who was raised by a single mom who produced 2 doctors(One really good-looking, confident, healthy, fun at parties with zero ego and my brother) I know the strength of a woman fully empowered.
It was at that point I began my research, looking for the healthiest women society has created with these criteria, health, wealth, happiness, impact.
USA TODAY
Reading biography after biography I realized something. Most of these powerful strong women grew up in hardship and nearly all of them had a family unit, mentor, or teacher who would help them UNLEARN their limitations and not be the label or confined by social law.
Empowered Daddy Mode Activated.
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Our First No, Together
Back at the park, I was ready for this moment, I’d planned for this to occur one day. While my little woman was still a toddler, we spoke the same language of empowerment and that means not giving our power away, even when other people say or ask for it.
I knelt down blocking this gentleman’s view of my daughter and created a container with her on the grass, just her and I.
Taking a moment to breathe with her, I looked at her so she knew she was seen, heard, and safe then asked her.
“Do you wish to hug him?”
She looked down said no, I waited until she looked back up and smiled at her. Told her I was proud of her and I loved her, Daddy would take care of the rest.
We are defined by our actions, not our words.
While I’ve been studying neuroscience for my entire professional life, it’s summed up by that one quote. We learn via experience and I knew she would remember this moment for a long long time.
I stood up, turned around to outstretch my hand to this man, and got him up on his feet. Puzzled he asked me if everything was alright. I said absolutely, and I had a quick talk with him about her and I not truly knowing him, about boundaries and safety. Making sure he understood that there was zero issue with what we had done, all the while holding my little one in my arms so she could also hear the conversation but also be a part of it safely in my arms.
Honestly, the gentleman was upset, couldn't understand the harm in a single hug and I let him know that was okay, but it’s her body, her wishes and if she desires to not share that space I’ll protect those wishes as her guardian. We continued on for a few moments before he got upset and walked off. All the while, I watched as my daughter took this event in. Reading my body language, the other man's, and feeling her own inner experience.
At any other age, this request for a hug would be crazy. Can you imagine meeting a stranger at the store as a man or woman, sharing a few words, and them asking you for a hug? It’s weird but because our children are tiny it’s okay? I think not.
I’d be forcing my daughter into something physical that she doesn't want to participate in. What would that teach her about herself of her body? “Oh it’s just a hug, oh it’s just a kiss, oh it’s just a …..
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Integration for Growing Brains
When we got home I made sure she understood that even though the emotions of that environment were elevated and the other man was mad, I was beyond proud of her for speaking her truth and choosing what was right for her, not for other people.
She understood and as I watched her walk a little taller as she went to the fridge for a popsicle, nothing will put a bigger smile on my face than an empowered 3-year-old woman knowing she safe to speak her truth.
As she gets older these self-respect lines will get challenged with social pressures and I know I won't be there to support her but it’s my deepest wish that when those challenges do come up and I’m not around that she has practiced enough with me, loved her self strong enough to know what’s best for others isn’t always her truth and in doing that I go to bed every night and sleep deeply knowing my sleeping princess with her unicorns is on her way to being a queen.
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