It's that time again. Time for me to sit and honestly share from my heart with you. In today's The Power of Words, I want us to hold the word HELP up for inspection.
What meanings does the word hold for you? What does it mean to you to help? What does it look like when you are being an honest help? Are you aware of when you're calling yourself a help, but really only trying to silence your own anxieties?
If any of these questions resonated with you I hope you continue reading.
HELP is often seen as a physical action, but often times the help that needs offered is overlooked. Why? Because help is a word that for most means, "to do", to be in motion. But many times the help needed may have been something that required nothing from you at all. You hear me say it often and I continue to find it to hold true, especially when dealing with this word...help.
Emotions, entitlement and expectations can set us up far too often for moments that we didn't have to experience, yet end up having to feel our way through. ~Erica Parrott~
Did you know that when something happens to you, most emotions that you feel, only last for approximately 90 seconds? Anything longer than that you are now in a mood phase. The reason emotions drag on is because we keep fueling them with our mental replays or thinking about that negative part on repeat. Emotions echo on when we fail to move from the feeling stage of the event when thinking back on it. Continuing to see from a place of injustice will not allow you to see what the situation was teaching you.
A dive into Emotions
The 90-second Rule that builds self-control
In early July, I briefly covered this word help, on a Facebook wisdom Wednesday drop. The video was titled, "Are you a hyper-helper?" (You can find it from the link below.) But what sparked this journey into this word was a situation I was sitting in at the time. I was being taken on a journey of rediscovery into my voice and what and who I was choosing to respond to, and how. People pleasing was being brought up for me to deal with. Let me give you some background, and layout what occured a couple months ago, so that you can gain some context on why this word help, broke open for me the way it did. https://fb.watch/eHHbPc-dTy/
GROWING UP...I was blessed (or cursed) to endure living with 2 very different types of grown-ups. My Grandmother was a balance of lovingly logical. Raising and strengthening all 3; mind, body, and soul in unison. While my mother was unaware and creating from a mostly illusive place. My foundations for real nurturing were laid early by my grandmother, but even with that, once I was living with my mother full-time, much of what I learned, I couldn't use because I wasn't dealing with a logical being. Instead, I adapted to my surroundings. Which lead to my developing some not so good habits. I most likely would not have nurtured these habits without those events. This had my system use to unhealthy people pleasing, not saying truly how I felt, brewing anger, letting people continue to harm my mental well-being, and mainly not using the power of the most complete sentence out there...NO, during those years. It had become my default mode of operating and it was quite cold, short and disempowering. My dive into the science of all of me began to shed light on these areas in my early 20s. Since then every 2 years it seems I'm hit with a major shifting and expansion in these areas. Still finding more uprooting and replanting to be done.
January 2021...I began the journey with my love. My twin in every sense of the word. A mirror like noneother. And wouldn't you know it, right on cue, I found myself being flooded with events that would bubble up something for me to confront in every area mentioned above. They all were bubbling to the surface for expansion inspection once again. From June 2021-June 2022, I found myself falling back into some old habits. Why? Because my love's healing journey had me staring down the same barrel of situations, emotions and responses that living with my mother brought. I was bending in ways that weren't good for life. I was making decisions from a survival mindset instead of my beautiful thriving mindset. And most of all, I was beginning to feel old me, "Ms. don't care to disrespect your everything and make you as uncomfortable as you have made me," was showing. FYI, that's a strength of mine when used correctly...but I chose an old familiar path instead. I was operating on full justified anger. That in itself had me feeling some type of way. It goes against my natural flow. I don't like having to be on guard, it puts me in a very masculine state and doesn't allow me to fully flow in my gifts or life. But I also know, we only know what we know and somethings will never bubble up without the right spark. So as much as I didn't enjoy what I was facing, I quickly understood, we were the only things that could spark these dormant, not fully healed parts to the surface for inspection and reprogramming for one another. These needed to come out, and I needed to relearn and resee some things about my own self. Things that would take a profound level of comfort, acceptance, and love for them to emerge to be honeslty inspected and healed. You know the word, intimacy.
That word in its purest, is what allowed for an honest awakening to the fact, I had a lot of things I thought were healed that were simply dormant. Places that had not been sparked in their fullness until our union allowed me to understand...they needed some love and attention. I honestly have never loved another human from the place that I love him. Words cannot fully explain that love other than, I cannot remember not loving him. It's like home. Much of it like the home I knew and felt with my grandmother, very unconditional and with the depth of a thousand oceans. But like everything, there would be a flipside. One which felt much like the home I had with my mother and never wanted to experience again. So when I was met with event after event that made home feel like being a teen again, I allowed myself to justify slipping that old familiar coat of armor on. The gloves were off. But the problem when you do this is, you literally kill any space for the other person to show you something different. Even if they wanted to, if they are unhealed in any way in their emotions, and hearing or responding from an emotional place, than everyone becomes caught in a loop of doing the same-ol-shit. I admit it, I was not the best leader I could have been. I chose my ride and it lent to some unnecessary and uncomfortable moments ontop of the ones coming at me. My actions most certainly were not helping anyone involved.
End of JUNE 2022...The last straw to break the camel's back landed. Which also held the key to shattering the last of many illusions I was holding surrounding my anger. I hit tired of everyone's bullshit but still found myself not rising to allow my better self to emerge when confronted with his events. This paved the way for the undoing of every thing. You know wheat planted among tares. Thoughts and doubts overtook me in ways I never felt before. No matter the efforts I put forth that were good in other areas of my life, this area was creating so much gray, that it was throwing everything out of balance. I know what you're thinking, "But you're smarter than that Erica." I am. But you know what else I am? Human. I mess up too. In my fed up I sat down and crafted an email to a sister of mine. I had hit a level of done, that I have never felt. In my email the only thing I asked of her was to make sure my love and her somehow connected once I made whatever move I was about to make. Because they would be able to relate to the event and I knew with all he was facing, she would be a help if he chose to accept her friendship. I didn't know if I was going to disappear or if I was going to truly call this life done... but that email sparked another level of awarness, awakening, illusions being broken, and stages set for really changing some actions.
When you don't allow yourself to unarm from how the event has made you feel, it becomes nearly impossible to see anything with a balanced view. Anger, just like any other emotion we have, is a very natural one. What I learned during this last year is I had surpressed a lot of my angers surrounding my mother. Which over time, made them appear as if they weren't there. Did not even realize it because I never really allowed myself to be around anything that would potentially bring me to rage. But as the veil fell around mine I also began to see I had a lot of anger oozing from the years 2020-2022. That fresh anger was bumping up against the rising stagnate anger, and present angers brought about from my relationship. So when I crafted that email, my vision was from a place of, "I'll just remove myself and help everyone out."
My sister did what you or anyone else human would do...she began to touch base with those she 'knew of' me having roots with. I had sent the message early in the morning hours and then uppluged from technology soon after. Hours later once she happened to check her messages, she couldn't reach me. So she made 2 calls, which set off a chain reaction. Call 1 sparked a ton of people reaching out to me. Many of which I don't have any real relationship with. We 'know of' one another. Yet they were blowing me up. My sister's 2nd call, she chose to hit me up all the ways she knew how. Her last message said, "I know you'll hit me when you can. I'm here and I love you."
Long story short, those 2 calls opened the path for me to work on dealing with frustration and anger in a healthy way. They set the stage for me to show up differently, which I hadn't had much room to do in my relationship. Things were simply too tense for me to rise to a higher view, take a breath, anything to slow down the tempo. But this stage being presented held space for me to show up, shed, then move the heck on.
Even though she was thinking the worst, I still hadn't made a decision. When I decided to turn my phone on the thing went nuts. As I saw some of the names appearing, not gonna lie I had a twinge of feeling some kinda way, but at the same time felt nothing concrete enough for those feelings to linger. I was thankful for the show of love, but also knew I wasn't in a place to calm any of their fears because they would also want long conversations...and I simply didn't have it in me.
Still, her message was the first one that showed up. My sister who I emailed, offered to come up and whatever I needed she would make happen. She didn't know what she could do, if anything but I needed to let her know so she could head out if that was the case. In that offering there was such a peace, that I'm not sure she is fully aware she provided. Because even though 2020-2022 gave me a lot to be angry about, it also gave me a clarity, depth, and an intiamcy with people that had been my tribe the whole time. Right there around me, as a client, or fellow musician. The lockdown did force something amazing to blossom for her and I. We were forced to honestly sitdown and take the time to communicate with real depth. It deepened our connection. So when she offered, there was no resistence in my body. I didn't have a plan, and that was okay. But I did have someone who loves, respects, and never forces themself willing to aid me in shining some light on my things. Someone that allows things to breathe. I graciously accepted.
It's amazing what happens when you allow every part of you to honestly breathe. That fall apart, put back together took 2 days to unfold. During that time my phone was still going mad on silent. As we sat there beginning to talk she said, "I gotta tell ya, and I don't care if you are mad at me or not. But after that message you sent...I was hitting up someone, anyone I knew you did talk to. I made 2 calls. Now, what happened after my 2 calls, I do not know, but you kinda left my ass in the wind. So you might have some messes to clean up, if you choose. But yes, I made 2 phone calls. Sorry not sorry."
Ya'll she is my hero! The room erupted with laughter. I don't think she realized it, but I hadn't honestly gut laughed in a few weeks. Yeah a giggle here and there, but that doesn't count. I'm talking about laughter that erupts from your core. In that moment her beautiful honest and caring if I would be mad or not brought me to laughing tears. Which only made her laugh just as hard. I didn't mean it with any malice, but for the first time an honest boundary, not a threat or side-step came forth.
"Sis, I emailed you. Now, what that sparked in you to feel the need to do, I hold no feelings about. When I turned my phone on I was a lil salty, but at the exact same time already knew what happened. You called Person 1 then thought, ahh 2 and her are always doing work together right now remotely, she may know more. So I got it then, and what you just said only confirmed what I thought. Person 1, I love her, but there is no privacy or discernment and I get that too. People are where they are. Now, what those 2 people chose to do after speaking to you, is on them. I emailed you and we are standing here talking, so you might have some more conversations, but I'm talking to the person I messaged."
She gently smiled and said, "Well, sis proud of you. That's the clearest I've heard you in speak in days now." I love a lot of people and I know there are a lot that love me, but there are only a few that I know understand me and I them. There are only a few that walk without their emotions hanging all about. She is one of those. Her way of love and how she shows up to help allows one to be seen, grow, mess up and still never feel an ounce of judgement. And the same is held in kind for her. Those few hours of reprieve spent with her; Honest face-to-face catching up. Not prodding. Simply being and asking questions of clarity, from a competely unclogged lens view. Digging into things that only I could answer. You know, like how I showed up during those times. What I noticed. What I could have done better. What I simply needed to accept.
Even though she didn't know how she could help, she was the greatest help of all during those 2 days. She was a new wind. A portal for allowing the smog to really clear. After we parted ways, I acknowledged the messages of those that held the most depth to me. The rest, well we don't talk anyways and I was not in a place to conversate. So I left them where they were. One of my loved ones who got wind from Caller 1 had really been blowing me up. I really love this woman, and I even gave her the polite, "Thank you, not in a place of conversation. I'm cool will hit you up soon." That wasn't enough. She needed to hear my voice even though I had stated what I needed and would reach out when I felt clearer later in the week. I love her for being concerned, but her concern was quickly creeping into hyper-help mode. She'd call. Then message. Then call again. The message that finally got me to reply started with, "I don't know why you won't let me help? I'd have already been there and wouldn't have told anyone. I'm really hurt that you didn't call me and I had to find out the way I did." Door open, now it was time for me to say somethings, and to be okay with they may not understand where I'm coming from, but know I still love them.
Last year, I entrusted her with precious information, because I needed a medical opinion off the record. She told our friend that I podcast with. He calls me spitting my very personal news in my face not even an hour after I had hung up with her... and I ate it. I never called her out on it, but I did log it. She may not have realized it, but for me even though I loved her, I found myself interacting with her less. If she called and I was able to talk I would answer, but I always found myself getting out of the phone call because she wanted to talk about everyone else's shit. Her still moving about as she has always done, unaware of these defaults...I was aware of something she wasn't...Though she wanted to be a help, she didn't posess the ability to help me in the ways she longed. Simply because she doesn't respect privacy. And in her unaware statement this time, she still didn't see she had already been operating in her defaults... That same podcast friend hit me up during this event and yet again, told me why he was even aware of what was going on...her calling him.
I began by again thanking her for being concerned. Then told her, "I messaged who I did for a reason. What I needed wasn't something you could provide. And what I messaged her about wasn't even for me. I needed to make sure someone else had a linked in, unemotional human to be able to sift through some things with. I understand how finding out made you feel, but have you stopped to think about how many other people are doing the same thing, blowing me up, all because people have to get everyone involved? And mainly only in a gossiping way. So I'm sorry you feel slighted, but this has nothing to do with you. And I chose who I told with discernment. This wasn't a time to vent, escape, or be validated in my "rightness". That's why I messaged who I messaged."
HELP...to help is to show up how you are needed. When someone hasn't asked you for help, or you have offered and they have declined, then anything after that is hyper-helping. It's natural to want to aid a loved one, but if you're simply trying to calm your own anxieties down, you'll keep coming to hurt feelings and possibly thinking on repeat, "There must be more that I can do?!" When we are in overdrive letting our emotions lead and the sense to please others is hanging out, it sets the stage for hurts, that never needed to happen.
I know her feelings were hurt, but that still wasn't going to allow me to give her access to my current affairs. And even though my nerves about having to stand my ground with my loved one were churning, the flow came from the utmost place of peace as I let the words come. I do hope she has found peace with that event, because there was never any malice intended. And I know how it feels when we don't get the response we want or one that makes you have to look at yourself for real. No blinders. I wonder if she ever honestly stopped to examine how her persistence wasn't helping anyone? Especially someone on the edge of done. I know deep down her blab is "innocient" its not birthed out of malice, but its something that I don't do, and don't wish it done to me. No shade, I simply know how to not be blindsided next time.
I truly wonder, if everyone that made a call to someone other than me, stopped to think about how unhelpful that could have been, had I not been in a place to know what was mine to feel the need to respond to? What if I had been thrown far back into my people pleasing and all those missed calls/message had sparked expectation in my mind? Feelings like I would now have to answer all these people when I was still answering myself?
I want each of us to grow more aware of the word we throw around with ease...HELP. Help is healing energy. For the one lending and the one receiving. When we are in service to another, it should create an energy that reciprocates.
My teen years held many illusions. Many moments that I was "HELPing" but what I was really doing was trying to calm my own anxiety down that I was feeling for my loved ones situation. If you have found yourself being a hyper-helper, or you're working on bringing your best empath forward, then I hope you will take these few suggestions into mind the next time you feel yourself getting anxious. These questions if used, will allow your system to unarm from the anxious feelings and honestly think/see things through. So often we bet ourself up because we feel "I could have done more"...but many times the story we are telling ourself about the event isn't 100% factual.
If you're trying to HELP in a situation and you cannot answer YES to these questions, then allow yourself to work in the background through pray and release yourself of the feelings of hurt, guilt or anything surrounding how you 'wanted' to help. Help doesn't need your ego.
Do you have a level of intimacy with who you are wishing to aid, that will allow you to be a help to them?
Did they come to you and directly ask for your help?
Is the development of how you can help clear? Or are you having to work to figure out you can make your help fit?
"Removing The Mask; The art of dying out to your past selves."
When we let our emotions do the leading it can have us thinking we need to be sprinting forward, when we might simply need to only stop and pray. My loved one, whether she was aware or not, was a help. Just not in the ways she was thinking she could be. She provided me an event to show up better than I had been showing up when met with someone's emotions leading the charge. She provided a space for me to show up in an empowered way. I was able to communicate from a place of peace and love while conveying why to her. I hadn't been able to lock into that part of me for a moment. All the other anger was simply too loud along with the list of growing resentments brought on lately.
So I thank each of these humans for being exactly who they are. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have been allowed to see things from a different view, or move through them. I hope this heart message reminds you to always leave room for others and yourself to grow honestly. Truly be of help to your fellow human while not bringing harm to yourself.
Did you see your reflection in any of these actions? If so, know that we all go through them. Guess what, I've been the hyper-helper before. I've been the path opener, and I've been the one with my feelings hurt for not being asked to help. My growth and understanding didn't come until I unarmed from the feelings. That's when I could see the lessons. That's where the real magic began, when the illusion fully broke.
Here's to your journey and may you continue to grow in how you show up to help.
Erica Parrótt/Eluminate/These Are The Times
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Empower your way through your human experience you hold the key to your release.